Monday, September 27, 2004

MIxed Bag

This weekend was a bit of a mixed bag in the "how are you feeling?" stakes.

There were actually some moments during which I felt like my old non-sore stomach, non-gagging self. Is there hope for relief around the corner? I am choosing to believe so.

There were also some spectacular gut wrenching vomit episodes. But, you know, I'd rather feel acutely sick to my stomach and actually vomit....than feel sick all day long, day in and day out with absolutely no resolution (the vomitting actually brings with it a bit of relief).

Oh how far I've fallen that I now can actually discuss which kind of nausea is worse, acute or long term.

I don't know about you, but I'm bored to tears with the being sick business. Bored. To Tears.

Friday, September 24, 2004

An upside

Now that I'm feeling perky and fuelled by my cheeto intake, I can share one good symptom of pregnancy thus far.

My boobs haven't been this firm and perky in YEARS. Seriously. I had no idea how not firm they were until now, that they are firm. And they haven't gotten massive(er) (trust me, I do not need bigger boobs)....they've just gotten firm and downright perky.

I'm enjoying it while I can.

Cheetos have saved my life today.

Oh cheetos....your salty orangey crunchy goodness have quite literally saved my life today. You are the first food item I've been able to choke down without strategic heave pauses in days.

I thank you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Pregnant and Still Thin

Pregnant and Still Thin

This is disturbing. I'm not saying that women should totally pig out and put on hundreds of pounds in pregnancy, that too is sick. But, people, when you are pregnant...that's when it stops being about you. For pretty much the rest of your life (if not at least the next 18 years). Guess what? Partytime is over. You are now in charge of growing/birthing/taking care of another human being until they are able to fully care for themselves.

It is not meant to be an accessory (oh you know my loathe of the accessory child mommies), it's a lifestyle change.

At this point, I've actually lost weight. I'm neither thrilled nor upset...this is fairly typical for a nauseated first trimester. But, I fully expect to gain the weight necessary to be nutritionally repsonsible for the pod.

Don't pregnant women have enough to worry about besides remaining rail thin and fashionable? (Dont' most women that live in the real world?)



On a totally unrelated note, puking this morning (after brushing my teeth, oh the horror of the toothbrush), I had a moment of terror...what if I'm never to brush my teeth again without gagging?

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

It's Official....

I'm officially sick of feeling sick. I'm also tired of feeling tired.

You know, I still haven't actually puked. I just feel like I might at any moment.

Yesterday I sneezed, and for a terrifying moment, I thought that would trigger puking. But I managed to stave it off.

I would just go ahead and puke and get it over with if I thought it would help, but I don't think it actually does.

You know, I kind of think I'm going through this for a reason. No. No. NO. I don't believe I'm paying a penance for a past mistake. It's just that it isn't your normal nausea. Nope. It's this weird generic unwell stomach feeling. I really can't tell if I'm going to vomit, am hungry, am gassy, just tired, or just want attention. It makes me want to cry, for no good reason...or perhaps for a very good reason. Who knows.

I guess that's how most babies feel in their first months. I'll try to remember this in the throes of hours of crying jags. The pod's. Not mine (hopefully).

PS. I don't mean that I hope the baby cries for hours. I just mean that if there is any long period of crying, it isn't me doing it. Though, I can't guarantee anything.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Weekend of the Nap

I'm not usually one to nap. Even if I'm tired or overspent. As tempting as naps are, they generally leave me feeling worse instead of refreshed and replenished.

Not this weekend! No!

I have been a napping fool. I'm talking coma-esque naps. And, I wake up feeling rested and ready to go again. Not only that, napping is in no way interfering with my falling asleep at night.

I knew that you are meant to feel tired in the first trimester, but honestly, I haven't felt more tired than anytime else. Sure, I sometimes feel a little frayed around the edges, or worn out...but no more so than any other time in my normal life. But, this weekend, the minute I put my head down...."for just a second" and it's been lights out.

Oh the joy of a good nap!

Friday, September 17, 2004

The Greatness that is using pregnancy as an excuse...

It has been two good days on the nausea front...enough to remind me it's still there...but not enough to make me feel as miserable as those first few days.

Today for lunch, I was actually starving. Hungry for the first time in weeks...so I did it right. I went to the new Culver's that's opened here in the whitelands and went to town. It helped that the owner/manager was super nice and accommodating and brought me free food (fried cheese curds!). It also helped that I've been craving a pineapple/icecream/frosty goodness combo for day...and today of all days their custard flavor of the day was......PINEAPPLE CRISP. I ate and ate and ate, and couldn't stop. I had to make myself stop. I'm so full now I can hardly move. But! No nausea! And, I'm blaming the voracious appetite on pregnancy. Because I can! So I will! So there!

Oh, if I could only lay down and take a several hour nap this could possible go down in history as the best friday EVER (even better than those really great friday's in college when the party started sometime around noon (right after I woke up and realized I'd missed my friday morning class.)

And you know what? D has decreed tonight as "steak and cake" night at the house. Oh! Joy of joy. I may never eat again, but just for today? Glorious!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

It's nearly lunchtime! And I haven't retched once today!

(If you don't count the traditional retching that now accompanies any encounters with the toothbrush, but that's just a given.)

Ok, so, here's what seems to be working:
1. Berocca (it'll give you back your b b bounce!) before bed. (Note to self, beg mother-in-law to send more berocca.)
2. Toast and water with lime first thing in the morning.
3. Water with lemon or lime in cube, with strategically timed pretzels every 20 or so minutes (two is all it takes!)

We can all hope that this continues to keep the nausea at bay.

Flipper! Flipper

You can call the pod "flipper" this week. It's little limb buds are working hard to start moving and turning into feets and hands. It's also starting to move already! Can you imagine? Next week? Ears!

Go Alien Flipper Go!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Why can't it be this easy in the US?

Citizenship > By Descent > UNDER 25

Seriously, you can not imagine what a pain it has been every time we've had to deal with US Immigration with regards to residency issues etc. I mean, at least when we were back in Perth, we had pretty decent (ie. almost immediate access) to the consulate, but since we've been here our experience with the US Immigration department is that it is in shambles. D's greencard took forever to arrive (even though he arrived in the US preapproved etc.) and then when if finally arrived it had incorrect information. Which has yet to be resolved by the US Dept. of Immigration. (It is impossible to get a phone into the LA department and they ignore faxes.)

So, imagine my delight at being reminded at how easy it has always been to deal with the DIMIA. I remember even as far back as obtaining my first student visa to Australia, it was an easy and straightforward process...not to mention quick and relatively pain-free. Securing my permanent visa in Australi was equally as easy, as was securing my renewals (walk into the dept., fill in application, pay fee, and the visa is issued right there and then to you and applied to your passport.)

It looks like registering the pod for his/her Australian citizenship should be a breeze. Thank goodness, I'd been dreading even considering it.

What's good for the dogs, is good for me.

I'll be mixing up a bottle of this especially for me today.

Now that the nausea has hit, it has hit with a cruel vengeance.

So far, cinnamon toast, oranges, and ting ting jahe ginger candy is saving my life.

I plan on trying out our nausea solution for doggies on myself today. With a stomach as dodgy as mine, what have I got to lose (but my breakfast...again...)

Monday, September 13, 2004

And then,

I spent most of the rest of the weekend actively hating him. Just because. Actually, most of sunday I hated everything in general.

I feel nauseated and I'm drooling. Brushing my teeth has become a task I dread, what with the gagging and the drooling. It's undignified.

At the dog park last night I thought I was going to hurl, and was already anxious about how I would manage hurling and then fending off all the dogs that would be interested in taking care of that little indelicacy...causing me to vomit even more....

In an absolute fit of pique I decided I'd just go ahead an announce the impending pod to everyone in the family. I'm great at keeping other people's secrets...not just my own.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Sometimes, it just needs to be said...

I love my husband. I do.

Somedays I think he's a complete jerko that doesn't understand me, and never did.

Somedays he makes me insane with his compulsive fixation on details (details shmetails!)

Somedays I am certain he's never loved me, nor cared for me...not one iota.

But then, I get a good night's sleep, and he talks to me in that calm and rational way in the face of my sporadic hysteria, and I remember that I love him.

I love him because he sometimes knows what I want or need even better than I know myself, or am willing to admit even to myself.

I love him because he remains (generally) unpreturbed in the face of my hysterias.

I love him because when he does something, he does it properly (which irritates the daylights out of me in light of my annoyance with considering details.)

And, I love him because he's always thought of us (the two of us and our pets, and now the baby) as a family, and he always considers any major decisions in that context. Getting used to having a "family" that actually cares about the good of the family (and not the satisfaction of individual idiosyncracies) remains a challenge to me. But, in my less nutty moments, I realize this is exactly what my psyche has needed all my life. His steadfastness heals a broken part of me.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Yet more signs of pregnancy:

Crying in my car whilst listening to Midnight Oil's "Forgotten Years."

(These are the lyrics that turned on the water works:
The hardest years, the darkest years, forsaking aching breaking years,
the time 'n' tested heaeartbreak years
These should not be forgotten years
The blinded years, the binded years, the desperate and divided years
These should not be forgotten years
Remember )

All the joints in my fingers and thumbs feel achy and funny. Almost like an RSI type ache, but not quite...and for no apparent reason. It's more annying than painful.




Fear and Anxiety

I'm not great with anxiety at the best of times. Actually, anxiety for me is not just passing fad...but a crippling way of life (when it gets the better of me.) I'm talking rubber room and straight jacket time. Seriously. I'm proud to say it has been a couple years since I last hyperventilated and succumbed to freaky panic attack like symptoms (not counting the pre pap smear hyperventilating I did yesterday). I'd like to say I accomplished this great feat over my broken brains on my own, but I'm really not that clever at all.

I've been happily moseying along with the advice of my shrink, Dr. Looney (with a name like that you've got to love your shrink) and a chemical aid. In fact, I wa so moseying this year we discussed me going it alone. After much thinking about it, we decided to just keep a low maintenance dose in my brains to keep them from going haywire again. So, after D, the first person to know about our little pod surprise was my shrink. It was my first immediate thought. And, I spent the first week feeling pretty queasy due to withdrawls from my little chemical aid. Though there is no evidence of harm caused by the meds I was using, why take chances? I mean, with me as a parent, this child needs all the help it can get.

So, you know what? I think I'm doing just fine. Serious. I mean, we'll see as we go and etc...but so far so good. That's not to say that I don't feel anxious.... A LOT.... but I'm doing ok with it. Which feels like a giagantic accomplishment for me. There is so much to actually be anxious about, unlike before when my anxiety seemed to sometimes erupt over nothing. Maybe that's the difference, there are really worries to ponder...and my brain seems to be doing ok with the pondering so far.

That's not to say I don't worry. Don't you worry about that, I worry. One thing that has become glaringly obvious to me since I've started to really look around for information about pregnancy and motherhood is the overwhelming amount of parents out there carrying a silent grief over a lost child. It's frightening to force yourself to think about how tenuous life is and how it's bloody amazing that any of us are here at all.

At this point, as early as it is in this little adventure, I choose to stay focused on a positive outcome for all of us...me, D and the pod.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Spreading my Legs

So, the first prenatal appointment is a bit like a blind date. You know, the anxiety about whether or not you'll like your OB. Will they like you? What will you talk about? Do you wear your good undies or not? Does it matter? When you talk about your past history (and oh, you totally so will), will you feel defensive? All of that blind date sort of stuff....

Except, this is a blind date that you know will definitely involved your boobs being squeezed and someone else's fingers in your vagina.

God.

Ok, so the EDD (estimated due date, get with it people...I'm learning preggo lingo you should too) is May 7, 2005. I'm five weeks along in this great vaginal journey.

More on the exam:

Firstly, thank you thank you thank you Leah for the recommendation to this OB/Gyn (Dr. Parks). I like her already. She is great. About my ageish, super laid back and just really really approachable. She even told me that when she gets up the duff (she said she's planning to sometime next year), she's eating sushi...she doesn't care.

Let's see, they made me pee in a cup (apparently I an expect this great pleasure at every visit), took vitals and etc.

Then I had the dreaded pap smear (which made me cry because I soooo sooo hate the speculum and cervical poking), and a pelvic palpitation. Apparently my uterus is nice and enlarged. Go uterus go! She said she'd wait til next time to give me my first scan (the first one is intra-vag...neat...can't wait!) Oh! and They will let me record it on a DVR etc if I want. She assured me that random abodominal/uterine feeling cramping was totally normal. As were headaches etc. So, rock on achy uterus!

Then they drew tons of blood and said "see you in four weeks."

All that my friends and it was only $25!


Monday, September 06, 2004

Spreading the News

This weekend we told D's family about the impending pod....they were thrilled. But, a bit sad...they said "We thought you guys were going to wait til you were back in Australia!"

So did we.

So did we.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Virgin Cajun Mary = BEST THING EVER

Maybe it's my body craving vitamin C, or maybe it is just dang good...but D made me a virgin cajun mary last night and IT WAS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH.And, you know, something weird happens when you add stuff to tomato juice...because let's face it, tomato juice on it's own is pretty revolting. But, add all the stuff he added and it is THE BEST THING EVER.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Things to Note: (pod related signs)

  1. If you take the dogs to the park and do nothing more than stroll around in a leisurely way and have to change not only your underwear but also your PANTS due to crotch sweat (or wetness in general)...then that is not normal. This is a sign that something weird is happening to you.
  2. That two weeks straight of indigestion? Well that may be more than "something weird I ate."
  3. That glass of wine you had that gave you a headache that has lasted over a week? It wasn't the wine.
  4. No, I do not believe there is any way that you can take a nap in your cubicle without anyone noticing.
  5. Those cramps that you were hoping meant your period? Not your period. Nope. Now you can have intermittent cramps all the time, every day, from here on out. This is fun times!
  6. Crying for two days straight is very hard on many levels: Firstly, you must supress the crying, even to the point of migraine, at work. That is the last thing you need right now...concerned work mates. Secondly, the crying? Does not help with the continual headache. Thirdly, the crying? Does nothign to soothe the terror and shock.
  7. But, don't worry, the crying can just as easily be giddiness...because, guess what? You no longer have control of your own moods.
  8. Neat!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Late? I'm never late.

So, August 31 I had a meeting scheduled with my boss to discuss some career development frustrations I was having. Right. So I was stressed about that, I was also stressed that my period was late, even though I was feeling very crampy. In a fit of trying to make myself feel better I decided to take a pregnancy test, you know so I could stop worrying.

Because it would just reassure me that I was just a few days late.

yeah.

so.

Well, that was a shock. Two lines.

Twenty minutes before my big meeting.

Still working on dealing with the reality of it.A pod.In my guts.

Unexpectedly.

Expected sometime around early May.

At least it made my meeting with my boss seem less terrifying...as I was too busy freaking out about this new development.
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