Friday, September 10, 2004

Fear and Anxiety

I'm not great with anxiety at the best of times. Actually, anxiety for me is not just passing fad...but a crippling way of life (when it gets the better of me.) I'm talking rubber room and straight jacket time. Seriously. I'm proud to say it has been a couple years since I last hyperventilated and succumbed to freaky panic attack like symptoms (not counting the pre pap smear hyperventilating I did yesterday). I'd like to say I accomplished this great feat over my broken brains on my own, but I'm really not that clever at all.

I've been happily moseying along with the advice of my shrink, Dr. Looney (with a name like that you've got to love your shrink) and a chemical aid. In fact, I wa so moseying this year we discussed me going it alone. After much thinking about it, we decided to just keep a low maintenance dose in my brains to keep them from going haywire again. So, after D, the first person to know about our little pod surprise was my shrink. It was my first immediate thought. And, I spent the first week feeling pretty queasy due to withdrawls from my little chemical aid. Though there is no evidence of harm caused by the meds I was using, why take chances? I mean, with me as a parent, this child needs all the help it can get.

So, you know what? I think I'm doing just fine. Serious. I mean, we'll see as we go and etc...but so far so good. That's not to say that I don't feel anxious.... A LOT.... but I'm doing ok with it. Which feels like a giagantic accomplishment for me. There is so much to actually be anxious about, unlike before when my anxiety seemed to sometimes erupt over nothing. Maybe that's the difference, there are really worries to ponder...and my brain seems to be doing ok with the pondering so far.

That's not to say I don't worry. Don't you worry about that, I worry. One thing that has become glaringly obvious to me since I've started to really look around for information about pregnancy and motherhood is the overwhelming amount of parents out there carrying a silent grief over a lost child. It's frightening to force yourself to think about how tenuous life is and how it's bloody amazing that any of us are here at all.

At this point, as early as it is in this little adventure, I choose to stay focused on a positive outcome for all of us...me, D and the pod.

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