Friday, November 19, 2004

Ok, I admit it...

I've been in a total funk. This being pregnant bizzo has been more difficult than I ever imagined. No, not physically difficult, though it is that. Believe me, I know I've had it "easy" so far. Feeling unwell is a pain, but it's not exactly a crisis. But it's been difficult during the time of year when I traditionally have my "questioning" months. It is in this first press of darkness in fall/winter that I traditionally grow impatient with my life/situation/current reality.

Generally, this is a time of re-prioritizing, re-organizing, and re-strategizing. The result of this usual period of turmoil is a new calm over those things that I can't change (or daren't change), and a re-focus on where I want to go next.

This pod business has put me in a bit of a spin. I have no way of actually articulating, even to myself, what the future may hold for us and the pod. I mean, I have general ideas of day to day living things, but I have no yardstick on which to goal set for myself as a parent. Me. A parent. A mom. I just can't imagine it now, I mean, yes...I can imagine certain aspects of it...but I can't imagine who I'll be then, versus who I am now.

So on top of my normal annual funkiness and pondering on what the next year/years will bring I have this great big unknown to try to get my brain wrapped around. It's been hard. I will, at times, almost forget I'm pregnant...and then remember suddenly...like waking up from a deep sleep and realizing I'm an hour late already. I feel so unprepared, and so unable to figure out how to prepare.

Everyone I've shared this with, that are already parents have told me it will resolve itself...but I'm a girl that likes to plan and visualize and understand in advance.

It's put me ina bit of a contemplative mood.

PS. Something else that made me sad....today D and I noticed a funky smell in the house. At first I thought it was just my normal overly sensitive sense of smell (thank you pod.) But no, D smelled it too. He described it as a rotten meat smell...

Well, he was kind of right...there hidden in the folds of the dog bed was a dead squirrel. Poor squirrley. We don't know which one of the formidable foursome dispatched it, but we hope it was quick. It wasn't ripped to pieces, in fact, there were no visible external wounds. And, it hadn't been dead too long, probably an hour or two at most.

It had been excessively licked, it was soaking wet. As if one of them had groomed it obsessesively after death? Sorry little guy.

I know the dogs didn't do it to be horrible, it is in their nature (well, especially Ruby's nature), but it made me sad for the little squirrel.

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