Wednesday, May 04, 2005

It's 4:45 in the morning...

and surprise! I can't sleep. I woke up about 4 am. I need to call the hospital in about 20 minutes to make sure they have a bed for me tonight.

I'm having a little freak out.

You know. About things.

First and foremost. Am I wimping out by taking the induction? Maybe I should have soldiered on for another week or however long she was going to take? You know, bravely continued with my back exploding and my feet all blue and purple and just the ugh in general. Maybe she is just happy in there and needed a few more days. Maybe I'm going to be punished now with a horrific labor. Maybe I deserve it.

Secondly. Ugh. Can I call a do over on this? I looked around at my little family last night and almost wept because I love my little family just fine how it is, and what if she hates us? What if I can't do this "mothering" thing? Everything is going to change and what if? what if? what if? All our little routines, you know, how D gets up early every morning and brings Bess and Olls downstairs, while Rubes, Sam and I sleep in.... or how we go for walks or to the park at night, each of us with two dogs in tow... or how we can spontaneously decide what we are eating for dinner and only need to please the two of us ... or how we can hermit together an entire weekend and just not see anyone else and be perfectly happy doing that.... all that is going to change. I am terrible terrible terrible with change.

Thirdly, what if something goes terribly wrong? What if by forcing Nell out early she suffers some sort of terrible injury? What if I do? Will she be mad the rest of her life that I couldn't just suck it up and wait for her on her own time?

(How many times can I use "terrible" in one post?)

I've not been in a hospital since I was 2 years old getting my tonsils out. I'm not a "sick" type person. I don't do dependency well. What if I can't do it? I've failed miserably being a "stay at home" patient, I hope I'm not a horrific hospital patient.

And,oh my god, the hormones. Seriously.


Blogger Soirenoir said...

You know - every pregnancy journal for the first baby has this post somewhere. Although I can't find it in any of my archives, I know that I've thought similar things.

Everyone has bad mommy days, and although it's going to change everything, It's not a bad sort of change. I promise :)

You just do the best you can with what you have, and .. this too shall pass :P

May 4, 2005 at 9:31 AM  
Anonymous sarcastic journalist said...

I agree with the last one. Everyone feels the same way.

We've discussed how this happened with me already. Things turned out okay.

call me if you need to scream. Also? if you need someone to come sit with you tonight, i'll buy some MnMs and sneak them into you and we'll make fun of paula abdul.

It'll be okay. I know it feels like it won't, but it will. Take some deep breaths and try to think about something positive.

May 4, 2005 at 10:06 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I've been thinking about you all day. You are going to be great--through the induction and beyond into motherhood! Best wishes to you and your family!

May 5, 2005 at 5:04 PM  
Anonymous sarcastic journalist said...

damn, even though i got an "update" today, i'm dying here.

Let's all chant together: 'BABY BABY BABY'


"push push pushhhhhhh!"

May 6, 2005 at 3:32 PM  
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October 17, 2005 at 11:30 PM  

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