OH MY POD!

My new place

2005-05-19T18:26:00.000-06:00

Here's what I'm setting up for keeping notes on my adventures as a new mum:

http://nellsmum.blogspot.com

Nell's New Place

2005-05-18T18:57:00.000-06:00

http://nellhypothesis.blogspot.com

She's just toooooooooo cute.

One Week Later

2005-05-14T11:55:00.000-06:00

I've got pics, oh have I got PICS!!!!!!!! More pictures than you can shake a stick at. Unfortunately for you internets, they are still on the camera so no pics for you at this exact moment.

I'm thinking that I'll be wrapping up this little blog soon. Nell is no longer the pod, and deserves her own blog to fully glorify her unholy cuteness. I think I may go back to posting non Nell/family stuff at doglets.blogspot.com.

When I set up Nell's new home I'll let you know the url.

Meanwhile. Here we are! One week later! Time seems to travel at a snail's pace and at breakneck speed at the same time.

I have two (human) babies on my hands as D has been sick for the past few days. I think he ate a bad shrimp at dinner Wednesday, so he's been gutted for the last few days. The other baby is crusing along just fine. She's a baby. So she has great days, and not so great days (well, let's face it, they are all great for her...but for the sleep deprived moi, the days with more sleep are better than those with less).

I know it's too early yet, but I swear to you, Ms. Cheeky Chops already smiles and tries to charm us. She's a champion eater, and a champion diaper filler. Her dad is doing quite a fine job of cleaning her bottom, despite his trepidations in advance.

Our house is in a state of barely contained chaos, but from what I gather this is fairly normal.

I'm doing ok. I love her with every fiber of my being, and yet I still have moments of "oh my gosh, what have we done!" Shifting your idea of self is always so very hard, and it seems even more difficult when you start to layer in guilt on top of it. I remember feeling a similar disorientation after both my cross-world moves...a period of floundering and redefining. A short little period of mourning for my "old" life, even though frankly, this new life is pretty darned great.

So there you go. A brief update from the land of poopy diapers, gassy baby smiles, a completely chaotic schedule, and long days of staring at my gorgeous girl's little face/hands/feet/chicken legs in wonder.

Oh! The tears...

2005-05-12T13:55:00.000-06:00

Friday evening D handed over a red box wrapped in white ribbon. Inside was a beautiful silver heart imprinted with "maman je t'aime" on a silver chain. The card enclosed read:

I love my mummy with all my heart!
Love,
Nell

The cutest 3 day old feets ever...

2005-05-11T16:30:00.000-06:00

We called her Yello Nello.....

Holy Boobs Batman!

2005-05-11T09:01:00.000-06:00

My milk is in and my boobs are enormous, hot, stinging, and just....tremendous. Not long ago, turning over in bed was a feat due to the enormous gut.....now it's the enormous boobs that take special negotiating.

We are doing alright. Nell's a pretty cute little baby, and is as good as she can be for being just a tiny 5 days old. We had a rough night last night with my huge leaking boobs, and her leaking diapers. But, we'll get there.

She's been given the all clear on her jaundice...finally. It took another trip to the hospital, for another blood test, which meant re-admitting her for that. A couple hours later, we had the advice that her bili levels were on the way down and she didn't need to be admitted or be sent home with a bili blanket. So, that was good news...though it really wore us out for the day.

She's down for a nap, so I should be too. I've got tons of cute pictures to torture you with, we just need to get them off the camera and onto the PC before I can share.

2005-05-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

It's tough being a baby.

Guess who's finally here?

2005-05-08T16:38:00.000-06:00

Nell arrived at 3:40 pm, May 6. She was 8 lbs 6 oz, 20. 5 inches long. She's gorgeous and we are absolutely over the moon. She's a bit yellow at the moment, and that delayed us a bit at the hospital, but we are happily home now.

My induction was delayed by a day due to the hospital being absolutly full when we showed up May 4. On May 5, in the evening I started on cervidil. At 7 am May 6, I had very little progress, but at least my cervix had effaced. Pitocin was started at 7 am, at about 7.45 am I felt a horrific thunk on my cervix, and immediate excruciating back pain. It is like nothing I've ever felt, even when I was layed up with my back injury last year. I was absolutley in a panic and in horrific pain. Contractions were on top of each other, and I just couldn't catch my breath/stop throwing up/ or stop screaming. Even with no dilation, my doctor ordered an immediate epidural. I was upset, anticipating this would mean a sure csection, but to our surprise, by two pm, after napping all morning... my nurses said I was ready to push.

After the epidural I no longer felt any of the back labor I had experienced, and Nell was born after only 45 minutes of pushing.

She's gorgeous, and we just couldn't be happier. She's a bit jaundiced, and we are working hard on the breast feeding.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

It's 4:45 in the morning...

2005-05-04T03:44:00.000-06:00

and surprise! I can't sleep. I woke up about 4 am. I need to call the hospital in about 20 minutes to make sure they have a bed for me tonight.

I'm having a little freak out.

You know. About things.

First and foremost. Am I wimping out by taking the induction? Maybe I should have soldiered on for another week or however long she was going to take? You know, bravely continued with my back exploding and my feet all blue and purple and just the ugh in general. Maybe she is just happy in there and needed a few more days. Maybe I'm going to be punished now with a horrific labor. Maybe I deserve it.

Secondly. Ugh. Can I call a do over on this? I looked around at my little family last night and almost wept because I love my little family just fine how it is, and what if she hates us? What if I can't do this "mothering" thing? Everything is going to change and what if? what if? what if? All our little routines, you know, how D gets up early every morning and brings Bess and Olls downstairs, while Rubes, Sam and I sleep in.... or how we go for walks or to the park at night, each of us with two dogs in tow... or how we can spontaneously decide what we are eating for dinner and only need to please the two of us ... or how we can hermit together an entire weekend and just not see anyone else and be perfectly happy doing that.... all that is going to change. I am terrible terrible terrible with change.

Thirdly, what if something goes terribly wrong? What if by forcing Nell out early she suffers some sort of terrible injury? What if I do? Will she be mad the rest of her life that I couldn't just suck it up and wait for her on her own time?

(How many times can I use "terrible" in one post?)

I've not been in a hospital since I was 2 years old getting my tonsils out. I'm not a "sick" type person. I don't do dependency well. What if I can't do it? I've failed miserably being a "stay at home" patient, I hope I'm not a horrific hospital patient.

And,oh my god, the hormones. Seriously.

Eviction Notice Served

2005-05-03T16:02:00.000-06:00

Nell has been served her eviction notice, and I will be getting induced starting tomorrow night. She'll hopefully be here sometime on thursday.

Exciting and scary at the same time.

Zippo

2005-05-01T19:48:00.000-06:00

No Nell.

Oh my god. I do not make a good patient. The day stretch out interminably before me.

I broke Nell's dresser today. Stupid mofo, I tried to move it myself (yes, I know, you shouldn't move heavy furniture when on "bedrest), and cracked one of the legs off...don't ask. It sucked.

I feel fine. Can I go back to work please? Until she comes? Because...this is boring. And I'm just breaking stuff.

Ugh

2005-04-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

Guess who just landed herself on bedrest until delivery?

I told you! See?

My vagina really is trying to kill me.

My Artistique Friend

2005-04-27T15:41:00.000-06:00

Browneye, this is for you:

I would consider

I would like to consider

I hope to soon consider

DANCING

without a life preserver in sight.

That is

I mean to say

I will dance! dance I tell you!

the moment my pelvis stops cracking open

opening like a bony flower

except a lot more painful

and with no macro shots to capture the terrific beauty of it all.

My vagina is trying to kill me.

2005-04-27T10:41:00.001-06:00

That is all.

Edited:

No, I"m sorry, that was crude. Let me make it more poetic for you:

My
vagina?
The
pain.
It
is
trying
to
kill
me.

Full Moon =

2005-04-25T08:00:00.000-06:00

Nothing.

Which is ok. Or not. Depending on what moment you ask me about it.

I'm in two minds about this most of the time. So excited to meet her, yet...not so sure I'm ready for this.

At any moment I'm begging her to go ahead and make her appearance, while at the same time pleading that she gives me just a little while longer in my current life of not yet being a mum.

I'm feeling scattered and apprehensive and excited and all sorts.

Nell Watch Update

2005-04-21T09:45:00.000-06:00

Dr's appointment this morning indicated that everything is GREAT! I have great pee! I have great blood pressure! Nell's heartbeat is GREAT ! (162 bpm).

She is apparently very very happy in her warm little nest. So happy that she refuses to put her head down in my pelvis. Instead it is lodged in the area right under my bellybutton which has resulted in very painful stretch marks (as of last week) that get no relief due to her constant head butting. It's AWESOME!

In fact, she is still so high up in my uterus, my doctor did a quick peek ultrasound this morning just to make sure that big lump causing the excruciation below my belly button was indeed her head. It is. She is really really comfy, with her big bum pushing on my right ribs and her feet kicking around to the left. Also, she has a huge looking head (at least to me), and for a baby that was so shy at twenty weeks....she no longer is shy about flashing her labia.

She's so high up my doctor (again) didn't bother with the vag salute. Why bother when it is apparent that she's not dislodging herself any time soon.

I expect she'll be a very punctual baby, not too soon and not too late. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she arrives on her due date. If she doesn't, she'll have two weeks max after her due date to vacate before being forced out.

Officially

2005-04-20T13:07:00.000-06:00

I feel like shit today. I'm tired, I'm crampy, I'm walking like I have some sort of injury.... and Nell wouldn't even let me lay on my tummy in the chiropractor's special tummy-less bed for my massage.

Ugh.

Plus, it feels humid and heavy outside....and I think summer is settling in here in the woody swamps of the Houston burbs.

Ugh.

I have officially reached critical BMG mode (that's Bad Mood Girl for all of you that don't know D slang).

VPL? Forget about it.

2005-04-19T14:26:00.000-06:00

I've moved on from abhorring VPL. I am now down to a very limited amount of clothing I can wear, and most of it is only tolerably comfortable.

My wardrobe reality is all a matter of visible lines/seams. The line across my gut which is the waist of my pants straining against my just barely long enough still shirt. The visible seams of my new fashionable maternity bras against the same barely still fitting shirts. As for panty line? Who knows, I don't have the courage to actually look at how my ass appears at the moment, all I know is it can't be great.

I am one hot sexy mamma!

A good day for a birthday...

2005-04-18T13:22:00.000-06:00

I tried to convince Nell that today would be a great day for her birthday, as it is her father's birthday as well.

So far, it doesn't look like my argument convinced her to come early.

I can see the future!

2005-04-15T07:27:00.000-06:00

As I wrote to allison this morning.....I realized I could write myself a fortune cookie style fortune, and I'd be totally 100% psychically right! That fortune would read:

In a few short weeks you will meet one of the greatest loves of your life.

So exciting!

37 week appointment

2005-04-14T15:14:00.000-06:00

I avoided a vag salute. Doctor said why poke when most likely nothing is happening, and even if something is happening, it doesn't mean imminent labor etc. Everything "looks good," that is to say good BP, good heart tones (Nell), clear pee.

Got my "walking papers" for the hospital...so Nell can come anytime now.

I fully expect her to stay tucked up nice and high (ow my poor upper uterus/ribs) until the bitter end.

It's been a stellar day!

2005-04-13T13:01:00.000-06:00

1. I slept in! Do you realize what that means? I actually slept, restfully and deeply for a period of several hours early this morning! This is a rare occurrence as of late.
2. I came back from lunch to find a packet of peeps on my desk. AWESOME. Semi-stale peeps are one of life's pleasures. I love my co-worker!
3. My favourite chiropractor of all time is "in network" for my health insurance as of Friday! I've already scheduled an appointment with glee!

Woman sees face of Jesus on ultrasound picture

2005-04-11T15:37:00.000-06:00

Woman sees face of Jesus on ultrasound picture (1 of 3) | wkyc.com

AWESOME!

Thanks browneye for the link!

Things I learned this weekend:

2005-04-11T07:53:00.000-06:00

After childbirth class and coffee with SJ and her charming daugher I have set the following goals for my "labor experience:"

1. Healthy baby
2. Survival

Childbirth Class

2005-04-08T20:40:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow we go to an all day childbirth class. Note: I have the attention span of a flea.

Upside: as of tomorrow night I will be a total expert on all things birth related, though I have no real life experience. Kind of like the MBA students my company keeps interviewing for an open position in my group. They know everything, but have actually done zippo in the real world.

AWESOME!

Beg your pardon? (Um, off topic again)

2005-04-07T15:32:00.000-06:00

HoustonChronicle.com - Daylight-saving time may be extended

Maybe I'm the one that is stupid, but could someone explain to me:
1. How changing your clocks = more daylight during the course of a day. Does changing your clock significantly alter the angle of the earth vis a vis the sun? That's AWESOME! I have the power to change the way the earth moves seasonally by merely changing the time on my watch? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAA!

2. Even if you somehow magically have more daylight (let's just play happy pretend on that issue for a moment), how does this = less electricity use? More daylight round these parts = more sun generated heating, hours of pounding sun on the house = more AC. Also, I've yet to meet a person who doesn't use lights in their house while it's daylight out. Finally, light bulbs are such a miniscule part of overall electrical load, this is totally irrelevant.

3. Why is it that the transportation department (vs.oh I don't know, a more relevant department such as the department of energy) is the one that has come up with a study that claims that we would save 10,000 barrels of oil a day? They are suggesting extending daylight hours magically by changing your wristwatch? You know, being the transportation department and all, I wonder if a study showing how shorter commutes, or more efficient vehicles, or more public transport infrastructure might impact oil use wouldn't have been more effective/believable?

4. 10,000 barrels of oil a day on the 20 million used daily. NOW THAT'S SOME SAVINGS FOLKS!!!!!! A half of a half of a percent! Given that we believe that by the power of changing our clocks, we will somehow have more daylight hours a day, and that somehow more daylight = less electrical load....that half of a half of percent is a result that you just CANNOT BEAT. Who needs hybrid cars, or other strategies to lessen our dependency on fossil fuels!?!

Thank god the polis are working hard for us! I will rest easy tonight knowing that they are working very diligently (on the salaries we pay for) to provide really good hard-hitting solutions for every denizen of this land!

(PS. I think we should just decide what time it is, and then just stick with it instead of all this chopping and changeing, but am agog at this article. AGOG I tell you.)

Oh yeah, betcha he just can't wait

2005-04-07T13:06:00.000-06:00

HoustonChronicle.com - Russell Yates may want to start new family

You know, as it was such a success last go round.....

Return of the Vag Salute

2005-04-07T08:48:00.000-06:00

Today was the first of my now-weekly appointments, and the first of the series of pelvic exams...you know checking progress.

I can confirm, I still LOATHE the vag salute. LOATHE.

The update? Nell is still tucked up nice and high, the old cervix is ripening (or thinning) or something, and there's nothing else doing...except weight gain and back pain.

She can now officially come at any time, and the doctor wouldn't try to stop labour. She is still head down and bum up. Convenient, as I plan to start corporal punishment beginning now. A spank a day keeps the brattiness away right? (kidding people! kidding! But she still is already grounded due to the twenty week ultrasound shenanigans, and am considering docking her pocket money for every excruciating punch to the cervix).

She and I are going to have a little talk tonight about how, although I prefer judicious punctuality, she is welcome to make an early appearance.

Reaching a milestone...

2005-04-05T08:03:00.000-06:00

The maternity bras I ordered arrived yesterday.

Um.

Yeah.

Either she loves him, or hates him....

2005-03-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I was sitting in the living room, waking up....when D marched in and started telling me something or another. Immediately Nell woke up and started doing vigorous pushups.

I conclude (seeing as I'm now noticing that she reacts quite a bit when she hears him) that she's either totally in love with him and can't wait to meet him, or is horrified and frightened by his voice.

2005-03-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

This is a man running from baby shower madness....see, see what I mean? I'm hoping Nell gets her looks from her dad, because....dang he's a hottie.

2005-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

This is what 34 weeks preggo looks like. (Whoa Nellie!)

Moooooooooooo

2005-03-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I bought some nursing bras yesterday.

Mooooooooo.

Also, last night? Fiasco.

2005-03-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

1. I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep for more than 40 minute or so stretches.
2. Bess's bum was due for imminent exploding (um, impacted anal gland, trust me, you do not want to know) and explode it did. At 2 am. Just as a thunderstorm was going full tilt, meaning that Ruby was going nuts with the thunder and lightening and Ollie was crawling around under the bed whimpering.

You wish you had my life.

Oh yes you do!

Bits and Pieces

2005-03-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the results of all the flurry of doctor's visits is that the heart is ok. It's just being a brat. Hopefully it will go back to its regular beat ways after Nell arrives.

I did go see the doctor about the continuing visual disturbances, but everythign is ok. Apparently, I have low blood pressure episodes, which beats the hell out of high pressure.

I've been increasingly uncomfortable the past week or so....my pelvis/groin is killing me....and, really, I can't imagine that my ribs/diaphragm can take much more of the continual pushing/stretching/kicking. But I guess it will have to.

Also, despite the awesome pillow D bought me for my birthday, I'm no longer able to sleep comfortably.....it takes a little bit of luck and the strategic placing of pillows to get a couple hours at a time. Crankiness ahead.

On other newsfronts:

Stone fruit is making it's appearance in the shops. Hoorah! I love plums, peaches and apricots. But, you do have to get "lucky"...for every nice piece of fruit you happen to procure, you have to suffer through at least three or four tastless mushy specimens.

My family is throwing me a bit of a shower this coming weekend. I've never had a shower in my life (well, I mean, I shower at least twice daily, but not that other type of shower.) It should be tolerable as it will be super small etc. I'm kind of excited about it, not because of the shower itself...but to see my family all excited about Nell. It makes me all sentimental to think that she's already part of a family and she doesn't even know it.

I'm interrupting pod related commentary.....

2005-03-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

to share this with you:

HoustonChronicle.com - Hip-hop cuties: Getting the jump on Easter shopping

Easter Shopping? Look, I was astounded when the spate of news articles came out about how to conquer Christmas shopping stress. Seriously, if gift giving is supposed to be about joy and love, then why the stress? Perhaps you need to rethink what it is you are doing when you buy Christmas gifts. But, stressed about "easter shopping?" What is this? Seriously. People what is wrong with you?

Do you really have so little going on in your "life" that "easter shopping" stresses you out?

Easter outfits? What is this? This article makes me INSANE! A "formal" outfit for church and a more casual one for an easter egg hunt? Ugh.

It is no secret that I'm an atheist, but hey, you know, if church is your thing, that's great. But, in order to celebrate Easter now you feel pressured/stressed to make sure you have the perfect outfits for your children? What do outfits have to do with the christian-based holiday of Easter?

Poor Nell, she will be the only child around deprived enough to not have easter clothes (two outfits no less) bought in advance with special consideration for what to wear for pictures with the easter bunny.

It's spring time...

2005-03-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

and the pine trees are sprogging and sexing it up like mad around here! What's that? Yellow dust? No! It's pine tree sex! It's everywhere, coating my car, covering the back deck, in drifts on the walkways at my work building...

We had a WHOLE WEEK of gorgeous sunny days, it was divine. My backyard actually dried enough that we weren't having to wipe dog paws every time the beasts came in from squirrel patrol.

Today it is overcast, but that's ok....I feel benevolent after a WHOLE WEEK of sunshine.

In other news, had the echo yesterday morning...the heart looked the same as it always does to me when I get one of these things done. I did notice just how loud an ultrasound must be to Nell. I could hear the highpitched whining/clicking of the machine while the technician was doing the scan. Nellie obviously remembered that sound and HATED it. She kicked the buggery out me the entire scan. Apparently the doctor will read the scan and issue a report in 7 -10 days. Whatever. It's an interesting lesson to learn for me, as up 'til now, my doctor has always been my grandfather...and he'd have the echo done and read it as it happened. Obviously, no one is overly concerned about the old ticker, which is just as well.

I'm still getting episodes of flashing lights and even some moments of blurry vision, so to be on the safe side and trudging into the OB's today for a blood pressure check etc. So far, my blood pressure always looks "great," so maybe it's just a weird pregnancy thing. It is rather disconerting though.

This Weekend....

2005-03-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

I almost had to adminster beat down to a nutbag hag at the dog park for acting like a complete lunatic, generally being hysterical...and waving her hands about disturbingly while raving like a lunatic at my dogs. (If there is anything in the world that will get me offside immediately, it is hysterical handwaving and talking in a raised voice at the same time.) In particular she was picking on Sam, my lovely one-eyed blockhead dope of a dog. Wow. I didn't even know I had that kind of temper/fierceness in me. Don't know if it has always been there, or if it is a developing mom type thing. All I know is that I LOST MY SHIT WITH HER AND HAD TO BE TALKED DOWN BY DAMIEN. Unheard of. I wanted to rip her face off to make her stop the infernal racket. I will have to learn how to temper the temper if anyone dare ever even look funny at Nell.

I pigged out at our favourite local barrio taqueria. I mean, PIGGED out. So much so that it was hard for me to move most of Friday night without groaning. It was TOTALLY worth it.

I got up at an ungodly hour for saturday morning so I could go get everyone breakfast tacos before heading for work for a critical project. This made me the morning hero!

I stared longingly at the gorgeous day outside while I did what I needed to do at work. Well. I did what I needed to do very well. I am most pleased with myself thank you very muchly! (Shhh, I know that there will be aftermath tomorrow.....but for now I'm living in this wonderful bubble of self-inflated ego about my abilities.)

I ate one of my favourite warm weekend meal for saturday tea, that is: olives, cheese and crackers. Oh and plugra butter, on saltines. Outside. On the back deck. In the warm evening breeze.

I was asleep like a granny by 9 pm on saturday.

Nell kicked and bucked like a fish out of water all day Saturday. We were both, apparently, wiped out. So wiped out that I only woke once in the middle of the night for a loo run. She did not kick me in the pelvis 'til I woke up, not even once all night! This is unheard of in my current reality.

D also was asleep by 9. He has no excuse. He's always been a bit of a grandpa.

I bought the frames I've been meaning to buy for the Beatrix Potter prints I bought almost a month ago and D and I hung them in Nell's room. I also tricked him into putting up the Peter Rabbit wallies I'd bought about the same time. It looks gorgeous and I am not ashamed to tell you it brought a tear to my eyes to see it all cutified and baby appropriate.

I lusted heartily for the mexican chocolate crumb cake that is in my Rick Bayless cookbook. I may have to make it.

I sat in the sun and ate plums.

What did you do?

Forgot to tell you....

2005-03-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

The cardiologist?

Looked EXACTLY like Fred Flintstone.

Heart Update

2005-03-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you out there wondering, my EKG and TSH/anemia tests came back normal. As I expected. I go for the echo today to see how the old ticker is beating. I'll be interested to see it, I always am...watching your own heart beating onscreen is pretty fascinating. I don't anticipate there will be any issues.

The flashing lights and arrythmia episodes seem to have decreased in the last couple days. My theory is I was just really really excited about the ultrasound, plus my current work project has me a bit under the pump.

In Nell news, she spent all day yesterday pushing on the same exact spot, her favourite, just to the upper right of my belly button and into my ribs. My uterus is very very sore in that spot. She is not sympathetic in the least, I believe she feels a bit cramped in there.

Update:
Argh. Ok, so the appointment today was NOT for the echo, it was for a consult with the cardiologist, who then concurred that I should have an echo. But, have an echo right then and there? No. That would be to sensible. I now have an appointment for the echo on Monday. Oh, and that was $310 for 15 minutes of his time, thanks very much. Also, the best part of it ever? The treatment is the same, whether or not my valve is freaking out....that is, "watch and see" or "be aware" of it. I'm aware already. I think the real diagnosis here is CYA by doctors in general, which is fine, I can understand that...but ugh. I'm cross. I just want to not have to go to yet another appointment for a week or so. Please.

Cake? Please?

2005-03-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

It was my grandfather's birthday this past monday. We plan on heading down to Houston to pay him a visit in honor of his completing another year. He's finally admitting he's old, which pains my heart. He actually sold his practice (he was a GP) this year, at the venerable age of 91. No lie. He still goes to the hospital every day and consults in the cardiac department.

He's not big fan of sweets, but you know, I was thinking, as it is technically a "happy birthday" visit, then it would be perfectly legal to buy a tres leches cake from arandas and take it for "him" right?

Chubby Cheeks!

2005-03-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

Nell is working on some seriously chubby cheeks (and thighs, though I won't post her "money" shot, that not only showcases her undercarriage bits, but her little ham hocks). I think she's got D's lips. I also think, quite possibly, she might be the most gorgeous baby pod EVAH!

I'm glad to know that although I suffered serious malnutrition for all those months at the beginning, she seems to be doing just fine in there.

Also, now that my heart is acting up (nothing serious, just a floppy valve that is being problematic), it is nice to see her heart looking so good...beating away.....

She also would like everyone to know, for the record, she doesn't not appreciate the poking and prodding.

2005-03-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's a girl! She cooperated fully today. Look at her super chubby cheeks. She's measuring a bit ahead (32 weeks), and weighs approximately 4 lbs 4 oz.

Hiccups

2005-02-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

So pod had hiccups Saturday night. Very cute.

Had a doctor's appointment this past thursday, besides the fact that I had to wait an hour and a half for my appointment and was so hungry my hands were shaking by the time I left, everything was checking out normal. Scheduled the 30 week ultrasound for March 1. I'm hoping the pod will cooperate this time and let us see it's bits...but not holding my breath on that.

I spent all day yesterday stuffing my face full of tres leches with strawberries cake from Arandas Bakery. It is evil incarnate. It has suppplanted all previous cravings.

Fish Out of Water

2005-02-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

You know how a fish jerks and flops when pulled out of the water? That's how the pod feels in my guts. Like a jerking, flopping fish...trying to get back in the water.

Disturbing Fixations

2005-02-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

I hadn't to date experienced the legendary cravings that people speak of pregnant women having, but lately I think I'm edging in that general direction.

For the most part, when I have a craving for something that is either inconvenient (ie. unavailable in my immediate vicinity) or unhealthy, I can generally wait it out until it passes. But, these cravings are no more intense or "weird" than cravings I would get in a non-pregnant state. Back in the days before the pod, I would generally crave foodie-esque things. Things like gorgeous goat cheese, olives and stoneground wheat crackers. If I could be bothered, and what I was craving wasn't hideously unhealthy, I'd usually indulge said craving. D and I love to cook and love to eat yummy foods. So, he and I were both usually in agreement about what we were craving, and generally it was some sort of exotic food or a certain preparation of food.

The beginning part of my pregnancy was one long stretch of feeling unwell and, frankly, craving not eating anything at all. The very thought of food (generic) would start me retching. I subsisited on a group of foods I'd discovered were tolerable to eat (ie. bland and easy to swallow quickly) and also tolerable to vomit if necessary (note: Rice is a hideous thing to vomit). This very limited list included mashed potato, mac and cheese (the cheap boxed kind), toast (sometimes), plain buttered pasta and bland cereals. I could also handle a piece of fruit here and there, usually banana. Oh! And straight lime juice.

When the nausea finally abated around Christmas, I cautiously began to eat more of a variety of things. I still have moments when the thought of certain foods will start me into the pre-retch spits. But, generally I've been doing ok with eating. If anything, I've noticed I have less interest in food in general than I do in my non-pregnant state so I'm not going crazy with the eating or anything like that.

The last couple weeks I've noticed that I'm suddenly getting a couple intense and regular cravings. Usually it's for a general flavor of things, and usually I crave salty or sour flavors. Those are easy to fulfil, club soda with lime usually alleviates this quite easily. But, more recently, I've developed what I'm calling "trashy" food cravings.

I'm talking about a serious craving for sitting down with a jar of cheez whiz (tepid) and a spoon and going to town. I know, I know, that is hideous. So far, I've resisted the urge. I even went to the shop one day feeling defeated and out of control and NEEDING cheez whiz like I'd never needed it before. I even picked a jar of it up and had a little talk with myself, and was able to put the jar back down and walk away. I battle the cheez whiz urge on an almost on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, I haven't done so well with the other trashy craving I've had. It is technically not a food, and it is definitely without nutritional merit. Intant iced tea (with lemon and real sugar). You know, the powdered stuff in a can. I'm fixated. I think it is a throw back to my childhood as this was one main drink always available in my home as a kid. There was always a fresh pitcher of it in the fridge. I wonder if this is a Mexican thing? As the event that triggered my obsession with it was actually going over to have dinner at our mexican neighbour's house where everyone was drinking beer or sangrita, but this pregnant person laid claim to the entire pitcher of instant iced tea.

My fixation on the stuff has gotten such that I bought a can and brought it to work, and, seriously, first thing in the morning I think "Thank god it's morning, now I can go to work and drink my iced tea!"

It's disturbing.

2005-02-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

Guess who else celebrated her birthday on the same day as me?

Quite Suddenly...

2005-01-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm unable to bend in the middle without significant discomfort. I guess I can no longer deny that I must really look pregnant now.

I see other pregnant women in my wanderings during the day and can not grasp that I also look pregnant. I'm having severe case of cognitive dissonance wiht regards to this entire affair.

Meanwhile pod spends his/her days kicking and jousting at my insides. I actually felt her/him squishing around under my hand the other night when I was pressing down on my abdomen. Allison asked if it felt like a little kitten, and, funnily enough, that is a good way of describing it...a kitten under several layers of blanket...squirming around.

Monday is my birthday!

2005-01-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS | UK | 'I don't like Monday 24 January'

You know...

2005-01-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

A two day training session in New Orleans has even less potential for fun when you are up the duff.

It suddenly strikes me

2005-01-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

that the little kickboxer in my guts will be here in something like 4ish months.

It strikes me with a delicious combination of both fear and total anticipation. I don't know whether to be terrified or excited...or both!

Trust me

2004-12-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

That pouty face is much more palatable than the pics I just took of the expanding pod-lump for Browneye and Allison.

But enough of the sad face...let me tell you what turns that frown upside down: a box from my in-laws containint 2(!!) packets of samboys atomic tomato chips. Heaven! Thank goodness for me (and my arse) that I can't buy these little crispy bits of wonderful goodness here, or else, it wouldn't just be the size of my gut that would be making me cry.

Silver lining: an expanding stomach has made my arse look small in comparison. You gotta grab an upside where you can peoples. As I've only gained 2 lbs so far (alas, the weight loss is now officially a thing of the past, though I don't miss the vomitting that supported that trend), I am trying to remind myself that the expanding gut is truly a baby in there.

2004-12-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

This is the face a woman makes when she realizes how big her gut is suddenly, and that she really really really needs a haircut (but knows she can't be fagged organizing it).

2004-12-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Here's the pod, contemplating life....

Well, it's a......

2004-12-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

Little shit who refused to cooperate at all and let us see its bits. Oh sure, it showed off it's brain (still enormous like mine!), heart, spine, fingers, toes, kidneys, stomach, and bladder.....but had its legs crossed defiantly and if it didn't, it was using its hand to cover itself.

What a little pain.

Boooo!

But, seriously, would you expect anything else from any child of mine?

Besides that little disappointment (I do not like waiting for surprises), I'm happy everything looked good/healthy etc.

This is your last chance

2004-12-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

to guess at what sort of baby the pod is! Tomorrow, with some cooperation from the little sweet potato itself, we should be finding out if pod is an innie or outie.

So guess now!

BBC - Food - TV and radio - 50 things to eat before you die

2004-12-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

BBC - Food - TV and radio - 50 things to eat before you die

Well, I've eaten all but the following:
Guinea Pig (no desire to eat this)
Reindeer (indifferent to this)
Durian (I just can't get beyond the smell)

some things on the list I wouldn't eat again, not that they were totally offensive (ie. haggis, alligator, etc), but with so many other yummy things to eat, why waste yourself?

Some of the things on the list seemed pretty banal. Pizza? "Chinese food" <----- um, like what?

Midway!

2004-12-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

No, not the (battle of) island t-rods. I mean I'm 'halfway' through this! Sheesh! This week the pod is the size of a sweet potato (mmm roasted sweet potato).

An update on the experiment:
A couple of good days, interspersed with a spectacularly bad Friday, followed by two really good days! People. You can NOT imagine how much better life is without impending vomit at all times! Not only that, the sun was gloriously shining all weekend and I sat out in it as much as possible. Super double happiness.

Now then, something you should really take advantage of while you can:
Gingerbread Tea from Adagio. It is super good times for a dodgy stomach. Plus, what's not to love about Adagio?

A dog related update for those of you that are as in love with my beasts as I am:
Ollie has decided that the pod is his. He likes to lay with his head on my (ever growning) gut. The pod responds by lightly kicking him in the head. He thinks it's awesome. I don't know how awesome he'll think it is once the pod's skeleton and size pack a bigger punch.

Vomit Pill Experiment: Take 4

2004-12-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well, this week I started a new annoying symptom. I started vomitting, a lot, every day, even with the medicine I've been taking on board. So, I decided now was as good a time as any to test whether or not I really needed the pills I've been taking everyday. I figured if I was going to throw up regardless, why bother with the pills.

So vomit pill cessastion began yesterday. Yesterday was awful. I felt hideous all morning, not only with nausea but with a headache. Triumphantly, I managed to somehow prevail against actually vomitting, but not without a lot of moments spent in the work loo, on the floor of a stall trying to make myself breathe through the pre-vomit symptoms and talk myself out of it.

Today? I had very light nausea on and off all morning, but no threatened episodes of chuckage. By lunch? Nausea was gone, I was STARVING AS IF I HAD NOT EATEN IN YEARS, and no headache to boot.

Could it be? Possibly? Perhaps? Maybe I'm not going to feel hideous all day long anymore? I'm so excited by the possibility, you can't even begin to understand how excited.

On a totally unrelated topic, yesterday I was telling people that besides the hideous nausea/vomitting etc., I've had little to complain about. I'm only now starting to be obviously pregnant (or growing a tumor), and other than the occassional annoying symptom...it's been pretty smooth sailing. I was feeling especially smug about the fact that I haven't suffered this symptom that people refer to as "pregnant brain." Apparently, this is a fugue that has a hapless gravid woman forgetting where she put her keys, or putting the milk in the pantry etc. I was quite proud of the fact that I've not been any ditzier than I normally am in a non-pregnant state.

That is, predictably, until today. Of course today I do something completely stupid, so as to spite my little bit of pride yesterday. This morning it was a bit rainy outside and I neede to retrieve something off the back deck, so I changed into my mud shoes. They are big blue plastic clogs that work a treat for schlepping around at he muddy dog park, or walking through puddles etc. Unfortunately, I didn't remember to change back into appropriate work shoes until I looked down in the elevator on my way up to my office and was preplexed as to why I had big blue plastic clogs on my feet.

I'm just saying....

2004-12-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

If you buy a radio spot to advertise your Christmas sales, then make sure your reader can pronounce jewelry properly. If I hear you advertising your great "joo-lah-ree" sale, then you can bet your boots that I can never shop at your store ever again. To be honest, I'm not one much for jewelry so you were digging yourself out of a hole anyways.

Also, pod-lump, you are already a demanding little thing. If I don't put some music on for you by 8 pm you seem to get very very agitated and start with the kicking me in the gut. It's charming and all, but I gotta laugh. Serious. You are already a schedule-fixated little thing and demanding. I guess it's inevitable as you are coming by that trait honestly, from both sides of the genetic contributions.

Psychology Today: A Nation of Wimps

2004-12-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

Psychology Today: A Nation of Wimps

Names

2004-12-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

Names are such an important thing, don't you think? People are passionate about the names they want for their children (or even their pets). Being able to name something/someone gives you innate power over that something/someone. A name is an inherent part of an identity.

That being said, D and I, despite not being sure on the question of having children or not, have always been pretty much in agreement when it comes to names. We've always been in agreement with names for our pets, and it's the same for the pod. We like old fashioned names and names that are not easily bastardized into freakish misspellings. We like old fashioned names that aren't subject to the whim of trendiness, but aren't necessarily out of the ordinary (ie. Phinneus.) So we've got a girl name and boy name we both are happy with and we'll know what the baby's name is when we find out what gender the pod is on the 21st.

Deciding on a name is an intensely personal thing and our view is that we like the names we like and really couldn't give a stuff what anyone else thinks about them.

That being said, I am unable to keep from passing judgement on other people's naming strategies. For example, I don't understand this weird current trend of naming girl children by male names (ie. Carson or Rowan for a girl child), nor can I understand the deliberate overcomplication of spellings of certain names. If you want a truly unique name, make one up, but please don't bastardize a perfectly nice name with some overly complex spelling. Think of the lifetime of correcting name spelling you've just sentenced your offspring with! And, onto the subject of totally unique made up names...why? I know that ever child is completely unique/special etc...but I always think about what a pain in the bum it's been all my life to spell out my name (which is actually a standard name), not to mention D's name (especially here in the US where people only associate his name with the evil kid in The Omen) and hope to spare my child that. I know the pod will be special, so I don't necessarily feel the need to give them a complex name in order to signify that.

I hope the name we choose will allow the pod to be able to learn to spell his/her name with as much ease as possible (in those early years), be dignified enough to carry them from childhood through adulthood, and allow them to be a person outside of the name we chose.

Yesterday morning...

2004-12-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

I got so mad that I was snorting like a raging bull. Not to mention throwing stuff around.

Pregnancy seems to have brought out the beast in me.

Doctor Appointment

2004-12-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

I had a check up yesterday. Everything looked fine, heartbeat was 151. They drew blood for an AFP, we should have results sometime next week.

I don't know why it took an hour of waiting for the short 15 minute appointment.

Happy Birthday Dear Ruuuuuuuuuuby!

2004-12-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Guess which lunatic squirrel killer turned 5 yesterday? (Yes we make meat cakes with candle apples for all doglet birthdays at our house, which is more than the humans get...yes we are that ridiculous about our dogs, can you imagine what it will be like with the pod?)

PS. D made her get dressed up for her party, with stupid birthday bow and ridiculous dog sized sunglasses. He also hand carved a '5' out of apple.

Mmmm...chocolate syrup

2004-11-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for sweet things usually, but the last few days have found me liking chocolate syrup. A lot.

D just made me a warm chocolate milk...and guess what?

I totally felt the baby move just this moment.

I really did. I had suspicions before, but this was obvious.

Looks like I'm not the only one that is liking chocolate syrup right now.

My Mother In Law

2004-11-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, everyone wishes they had a mother in law like mine. If you are a guy, then you wish she was your mum. You do. No one can convince me otherwise. (My father in law is quite alright himself.)

My mother in law is one of the kindest and most wonderful women I've ever known. She has that way about her. You know. That way. That is, she's the type that never raises her voice. In fact, when she gets calm and quiet (when you would otherwise expect a human to scream), everyone, including the dog, gets very scared. She's just that way.

(That way being exactly the way I am not. I'm not gracious. I'm not kind. I'm not calm under pressure. I am totally disorganized and I never think about making things look "nice." Sufficient is about as good as it gets with me. In fact, I have no idea why her son married someone as retarded as I get sometimes, seeing as he grew up with a totally competent, feminine, nurturing female in his life. Oh, that's right...he's a pain in the bum (a very nice looking one, but a pain nevertheless)...and no organized, calm, even tempered woman would tolerate it as I do. Right?)

At the same time, she once took me aside when D was being a complete dickface and said something like "Oh love, I did the best I could with him. He is being a complete shit. But, remember I had the three of them. If I can live through it, I'm sure you'll do just fine." That was right before she went and boxed him in the ear.

I once threatened to get up the duff just to FORCE them to come visit us again. In fact, the scheme is working. They are scheduled for a 2005 comeback tour! Hoorah!

She's been an angel through these awful weeks. I always feel like a whinger when I talk to her knowing how difficult her pregnancies were (ie. D's older brother and sister are both adopted, and her pregnancy with him was quite awful from what I gather) but, she's been most understanding and encouraging. And, she keeps me supplied with the things I've needed from 'home' thus far. Early on, I really wanted vegemite (which we can longer find in the shops around here) and berocca...I had a misguided hope that the vitamin B would help with the nausea (for the record it did not, and D has absolutely obliterated the first shipment of vegemite already.) She also sends strategic shipments of cherry ripes. Love her.

Lately, the one thing in the world that I'm hanging out to eat continually is Samboy's Atomic Tomato Chips. I don't know why. That is just the way it is. A major lust for the tomato sauce chips, with a minor craving for twisties (not cheetohs). Last week, a box arrived in the mail filled with fun size bags of samboy's atomic tomato chips and twisties (and some vegemite for D). I wept.

They were gone in less than a week.

I'm waiting for the new shipment.

2004-11-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm itchy and no amount of lotions (fancy or otherwise) are making a lick of difference.

That is all.

Ok, I admit it...

2004-11-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

I've been in a total funk. This being pregnant bizzo has been more difficult than I ever imagined. No, not physically difficult, though it is that. Believe me, I know I've had it "easy" so far. Feeling unwell is a pain, but it's not exactly a crisis. But it's been difficult during the time of year when I traditionally have my "questioning" months. It is in this first press of darkness in fall/winter that I traditionally grow impatient with my life/situation/current reality.

Generally, this is a time of re-prioritizing, re-organizing, and re-strategizing. The result of this usual period of turmoil is a new calm over those things that I can't change (or daren't change), and a re-focus on where I want to go next.

This pod business has put me in a bit of a spin. I have no way of actually articulating, even to myself, what the future may hold for us and the pod. I mean, I have general ideas of day to day living things, but I have no yardstick on which to goal set for myself as a parent. Me. A parent. A mom. I just can't imagine it now, I mean, yes...I can imagine certain aspects of it...but I can't imagine who I'll be then, versus who I am now.

So on top of my normal annual funkiness and pondering on what the next year/years will bring I have this great big unknown to try to get my brain wrapped around. It's been hard. I will, at times, almost forget I'm pregnant...and then remember suddenly...like waking up from a deep sleep and realizing I'm an hour late already. I feel so unprepared, and so unable to figure out how to prepare.

Everyone I've shared this with, that are already parents have told me it will resolve itself...but I'm a girl that likes to plan and visualize and understand in advance.

It's put me ina bit of a contemplative mood.

PS. Something else that made me sad....today D and I noticed a funky smell in the house. At first I thought it was just my normal overly sensitive sense of smell (thank you pod.) But no, D smelled it too. He described it as a rotten meat smell...

Well, he was kind of right...there hidden in the folds of the dog bed was a dead squirrel. Poor squirrley. We don't know which one of the formidable foursome dispatched it, but we hope it was quick. It wasn't ripped to pieces, in fact, there were no visible external wounds. And, it hadn't been dead too long, probably an hour or two at most.

It had been excessively licked, it was soaking wet. As if one of them had groomed it obsessesively after death? Sorry little guy.

I know the dogs didn't do it to be horrible, it is in their nature (well, especially Ruby's nature), but it made me sad for the little squirrel.

That's it!

2004-11-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

The pod is already officially in trouble with me. I've been patient! I have. Yesterday I decided was the day to try yet again to stop taking my vomit pills altogether, and how was I rewarded this morning? My morning shredded wheat came back faster than it had gone down.

Sigh.

Pod. You are officially grounded.

Silence

2004-11-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, come on pod....any day now I'm supposed to be able to feel you wiggling around...so what are you waiting for?

Things I Learned in the First Trimester

2004-11-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

I've graduated. I'm moving on!

So, what did I learn in the first few months of pregnancy?

1. Being pregnant is pretty awful feeling. Yes, it is also fascinating in a science experiment sort of way...but the truth is, there really is no apparent external sign of the alleged child that is on it's way...you just feel pretty crummy for weeks on end.
2. I'm tempering other women's experience through a new "pregnancy" filter. So, when women tell me, "Oh you will feel GREAT during your second trimester!" I'm begining to understand that this is relative. You don't feel GREAT in a pre-pregnancy sort of way. You just feel better than the horror that has been your waking moments for the past couple of months.
3. No. You truly have never been constipated before. Trust me on this. There is constipated, and then there is "I'm pregnant and I can't take a shit" constipated.
4. Tylenol is SFA.
5. Time seems to be crawling along, whilst moving at hyper-forward speed all at once. In one moment I'll think "boring, I'm ready to see a lump or something" and in the next moment I'm thinking "whoa, slow this down, I don't know if I'll be ready for this in time."
6. Baby gear is huge, space sucking in its hulk. We bought a stroller this weekend and it GIAGANTIC. And scary. And, so REAL.

and most ENORMOUSLY of all:
7. Your pre-pregn ancy self is well and truly gone forever. Already. Not that you should lay down and weep and mourn it, it is just that you are now a different you. From now on you make every decision (from what you put into your mouth, to health insurance, to consumer purchases, to even slowly changing your current schedule in hopes of making that transition in May a bit easier) with a different set of criteria than before. You think about how your vote in a national election could possibly affect the life of your child. You think about things like schools (well, especially in our case as we've already decided that we do not our kid to go to school in this country) and where you want to be living in five years time when school becomes an issue. Your entire context has shifted and, really, it's ok...it's just different and weird and, well, just absolutely no longer who you used to be.

Cocktails!

2004-11-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have developed a deep love affair with mineral water, on the rocks, with lots of fresh lime. It's kind of out of control. I could drink it non-stop...but like all habits, could become quite expensive. So far I've made do with fairly cheap bubbly stuff, but I can see my obsession growing to only have the finest of agua mineral!

Meanwhile, I had a Dr's visit this week. As per the norm, it took my Dr. over a halfhour past my appt to finally make her way to see me.(I must say, I've been a bit spoiled as far as Dr's go, as my primary doctor has always been my grandfather, and he never made me wait at the kitchen table to see me.) I was a bit cross this time as they had me sit in an exam room where the choice of seating is:
1. Hard Bench
2. Table with stirrups

As you can see, there really was no choice but the bench...but man, that bench can be might uncomfortable after a half hour. I wasn't about to lay down on the table and put my feet up.

And, then the appointment lasted all of five minutes. Blood pressure is great, they found the heartbeat right away with the doppler (162 bpm), and my next appointment is in four weeks.

So, there you go.

Silver Lining

2004-11-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Today a co-worker said to me "Wow! You've really lost some weight, you look GREAT! Are you on a diet?"

I said "Yes, it's called the extreme long-term morning sickness diet!"

She was very congratulatory and surprise, she said she'd noticed I'd been losing weight lately.

I know. This will be short lived. I'll be the size of a house soon. But, for now, it is a small consolation for the weeks of feeling so off.

What I can't figure is if I look so slim, how is it all my pants are killing me now? It's not as if I am showing or have a pod-lump yet (though D reckons otherwise, but whatever).

Jumbo Shrimp!

2004-11-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Geez.

How boring am I lately?

Don't answer...I know. SUPER EXTRA SPECIAL SAUCE BORING.

But, dude....I'm blah. I just am. Work is maniacal lately, which, when coupled with pod related fatigue, is completely kicking my arse.

Meanwhile, the pod is allegedly doing just fine. It is now the size of a jumbo shrimp! A jumbo shrimp! I have an appointment on Thursday and will give you an update then.

I hate daylight savings. It is a retarded practice. It has screwed up my sleeping even more than it was already screwed, and that coupled with the no significantly shortened day is going to send me into into even more blah-ness.

4. Whole. Days.

2004-10-26T09:04:00.000-06:00

It's a stellar achievement. I'm on the fourth day of feeling better. The fourth day of not actively wanting to lay down and just make it all go away.

And.

I actually craved somethings to eat this past weekend. Gumbo (which I went without), and good ol' nasty tex mex style cheesy enchiladas with chili gravy (which I made sunday night and they were divine). I figure after weeks of eating crackers and toast, I could afford a few greasy enchiladas.

I am optimistic and hopeful that this is the start of the "feeling great" phase.

Oh God The Stupidity.

2004-10-20T13:16:00.000-06:00

Today I decided to take advantage of early voting, and exercised my civic duty to vote. Amongst the many annoying things about voting (eg. queue stupidity, the fact that in this conservative (red)neck of the woods there are about 15 uncontested staunch republican positions, etc.) was the conversation I overheard two women behind me having.

Mind you, they were only a few years older than me, if that. I put them at squarely mid-thirties. Amongst their general suburban moaning they began to discuss the flu vaccine shortage. Apparently there is a clinic here that is giving the vaccine to whoever wants it, no age restrictions enforced. One was telling the other that although she is not in the recommended age group she got a vaccine, because after all she's has cheeeeeldren and is exposed to lots of people in the course of her suburban days and she just "can't afford" to get sick. The other said she totally understood, last year she got the vaccine and still got sick, but was thankful she'd had the vaccine because if not...it could have been much worse (?!!?). And, she didn't understand why only old people or children should get it, because (ha ha jokey jokey) what if there were some sort of crisis in which able-bodied americans were needed to fight a war or deal with disaster and the able bodied adult population will have been decimated by the flu.

Retards.

Firstly, the age recommendations are in place because those population groups (young children, people with compromised health and the elderly) are most at risk of developing COMPLICATIONS with the flu. Normal, healthy adults may get sick, but it's very unlikely they would develop life threatening complications. Just suck it up. If you get the flu, tough shit. Take some tylenol, take plenty of fluids, and sleep it out. It will suck but, get over yourself already. You are not a delicate and tiny snowflake...you'll live. That elderly person that didn't get the vaccine because you, as a self important suburban mother, "couldn't afford" to get the flu may not be so lucky.

Secondly, the flu vaccine generally only protects agains a certain strain of the flu, so if you are exposed to a different strain, guess what? You will get the flu! It's not as though the vaccination you had for a completely different strain will somehow dimish the strain you caught. Tough shit.

Finally, and unrelated to the conversation I overheard....having the flu can not be fixed by taking antibiotics. The flu is the flu. You just have to suffer through it and you'll be ok. So what, you'll not feel well for a few days. Too bad so sad.

Seriously people! What is wrong with you?

And you are voting? When you can't even queue properly (note to the masses: you do not queue across throughways for traffic, you queue down the convenient sidewalk that wraps around the building).

This is it!

2004-10-18T07:29:00.000-06:00

Officially it!

If I don't feel better soon, and by better I don't mean well, I mean just better than I feel now...then I will curl up into a (now bigger and more bloated) ball and die.

I promise.

Spoke too soon..

2004-10-17T19:16:00.000-06:00

Sigh.

Friday evening was a no-med failure of hideous and explosive proportions. My ribs still hurt. Horrific.

I'm slowly coming to realize that being pregnant is like a long term torture session that consists of deciding what you hate least.

For example:

What do you hate least?

Feeling sick to your stomach all day long and vomitting in horrible explosive episodes or being so constipated that the word "constipated" does not beging to describe the incredible discomfort and pain associated with it?

or:
Do you hate having to tell your workmates you are pregnant and being subjected to the immediate "camraderie" that comes with being "in the club" and hearing personal details about tragic miscarriages and horrific birth about people you know barely beyond their first name more than you hate the fact that you know people are wondering what is up with you with the sudden bloating, running to the bathroom, gagging at smells, and wandering around in a giant coat because you are cold from nausea all the time?

It's been one long series of indignities that only get worse from what I can gather. It all started with the "vag salute" at the doctor when I got my pregnancy results confirmed, and will end with my vag on full display.

Cheery. I know.

I can't wait til the mythical second trimester gloriousness kicks in. It's got to get better right?

Shhhhhh

2004-10-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

Be very very quiet. We don't want to scare it away, but... I may be feeling better. Even without vomit pills. Not only that, I actually felt...perky this evening. Usually, I'm pretty much spent after 3 pm. Oh! How I've missed you shadow of my former self.

Shh! I said! Shh!

Whatever you do, do not notice lest it goes away.

PS. The doglets would like you to know that they are PISSED about the nail cutting extravaganza that occurred tonight thanks to my new old-style perkier self.

Fuckers

2004-10-12T13:30:00.000-06:00

Insurance. Man. This country has problems. I'm insured, thank goodness...pretty well. Actually the D and I are going to be switching over to a low deductible plan after a few years of enjoying paying minimal premiums above what my company provides for a high dedutible plan. It served our needs, and gave us affordable access to the only health care services we needed..mostly a prescription here or there, or medical attention for things like my dodgy back etc.

So, yes I know I have it good compared to most. That point has been driven home over the past few months, because although it sucks having to pay lab fees (I'm responsible for these until I meet my deductible) I'm still only paying a negotiated insurance fee for them. For example, my first round of lab fees: the total cost was in the $600 range, but I only have to pay$200. Which is still not great, but not too bad considering. And, once I switch over, the cost for delivery etc will be about as minimal as possible (ie. we won't have to live on ramen noodles for the next few years...hopefully).

So, imagine my shock and dismay when I went to refill my Z0fran today and was told that insurance wouldn't let me have another round of it til the 17th. I only received 10 blister packs (of 3 tablets) for my first round. The directions say to take every 6-8 hours. I'd been taking it every six hours. That was a bad idea. But, in my defense, I felt ill after 5 hours and thought I should take them as suggested. And the thing is, D and I have been cheap for the insurance company all these years. They've gotten their premium and we've gotten a few prescriptions here and there so it's not as if we're sickly or hypochondriacs. I felt like I was doing something naughty in asking for a refill on my prescription (which was written with 5 refills available).

So, now I'm short until I can have another round. For interest sake I asked how much it would cost to just buy them outside of insurance. The pharmacist's droll reply? "Um, that's like in the 4 digits and that's not counting the change." Holy moses! That means at minimum each of those blister pacs of three cost $100 (and you know good and well that it's probably more than that). That is insanity. $100/day? I mean, yes, I'm a bit anxious about how I'll manage without the medicine...I guess it is back to meagre sips of water, toast, and plain mashed potato for me and just living through vomitting, but, geez, imagine if you had no insurance and that was medication you needed to stay ALIVE. And, geez, I never knew how expensive I really was until now.

I'll be misering out the tablets to myself until Sunday, and I hope it won't be too bad. You never know, maybe the morning sickness is on its way out anyways.

10 Weeks!f

2004-10-10T18:43:00.000-06:00

Can you believe it? We're a quarter of the way there. Here's a couple things I learned in the first quarter:

1. You can survive your worst hangover ever...that is the one that has lasted the last six weeks and is pregnancy induced.
2. Zofran is GREAT, but has it's drawbacks...none of which are sever enough to outweight the benefits (ie. being able to eat.)
3. It is hard to comprehend that there is another human being growing inside you, until you see the proof on the screen waving at you. That was singly, the most awesome moment of my life yet. Absolutely fascinating that a little being that looks like a spaceman, is only a couple inches long (at most), is already functioning like a person with a heartbeat and waving limbs.
4. I was always a vivid dreamer, but... not like this. Every night I'm entertained all night long by a colorful procession of detailed and involved dreams.
5. Dogs know when you are pregnant, don't know how... but they know... and they become velcro dogs.
6. Bluebell icecream...I thank you and the pod thanks you. Tres Leches con Pina y Coco (tres leches with pineapple and coconut) is the absolute PERFECT icecream....with bits of pineapple and grated coconut and crumbs of white cake!

Waking up on the fighting side of the bed

2004-10-09T18:49:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up absolutely furious. It took my addled brains a moment to figure out why I was so pissed off. I mean, spitting mad. It took a moment, but then suddenly I remembered the dream I'd just woken from.

We were out to dinner at an indian food restaurant, when the restaurant owner asked to join us. We obliged. He then proceeded to send our food back to the kitchen almost as soon as it was brought out, and I become increasinly incensed and starving. I woke up after he told me I was fat and had eaten enough.

It was soooo vivid. I'd heard pregnant women had vivid dreams, but thought nothing of it because in general I have vivid dreams...but it's a long time that I've woken up shaking and teary from being so angry.

Woe be to the person that tries to take food away from me when I'm hungry.

Interestingly enough, I actually wasn't hungry at all...and had to force myself to choke down some toast before I started throwing up. Neat! The meds I'm taking are working, but I still vomit if I wait too long between meals. It's annoying. Also, they have some annoying side effects. Namely, headaches and, well, put it this way...how long can a human being go without taking a shit? Yeah. No wonder I'm cranky in my dreams.

2004-10-07T12:20:00.001-06:00

Look at its cute little fingies!

2004-10-07T12:20:00.000-06:00

Obviously, the pod get his/her brains from moi!

2004-10-05T08:18:00.000-06:00

Ollie's happy I'm not chucking it up anymore!

I've fallen (pregnant), and I can't get up....

2004-10-04T13:28:00.000-06:00

Blah blah blah blah nausea! Blah blah blah vomit. Blah blah blah worn out. Blah blah blah threw up brown rice so hard it came out my nose. Blah blah blah please! no more saltines! Blah blah blah the hideousness that is burping up your prenatal vitamin all night long.

Blahblahblahblah give up. Called Dr. Got prescription for Z0fr@n. Took first tablet, feel remarkably more willing to still be alive. Ate something besides mashed potato, plain noodles or toast for the first time in weeks (without fear of vomit)!

Let's all hold hands, cross fingers, and hope that things will start to get better from now on.

MIxed Bag

2004-09-27T13:45:00.000-06:00

This weekend was a bit of a mixed bag in the "how are you feeling?" stakes.

There were actually some moments during which I felt like my old non-sore stomach, non-gagging self. Is there hope for relief around the corner? I am choosing to believe so.

There were also some spectacular gut wrenching vomit episodes. But, you know, I'd rather feel acutely sick to my stomach and actually vomit....than feel sick all day long, day in and day out with absolutely no resolution (the vomitting actually brings with it a bit of relief).

Oh how far I've fallen that I now can actually discuss which kind of nausea is worse, acute or long term.

I don't know about you, but I'm bored to tears with the being sick business. Bored. To Tears.

An upside

2004-09-24T15:05:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm feeling perky and fuelled by my cheeto intake, I can share one good symptom of pregnancy thus far.

My boobs haven't been this firm and perky in YEARS. Seriously. I had no idea how not firm they were until now, that they are firm. And they haven't gotten massive(er) (trust me, I do not need bigger boobs)....they've just gotten firm and downright perky.

I'm enjoying it while I can.

Cheetos have saved my life today.

2004-09-24T14:49:00.000-06:00

Oh cheetos....your salty orangey crunchy goodness have quite literally saved my life today. You are the first food item I've been able to choke down without strategic heave pauses in days.

I thank you.

Pregnant and Still Thin

2004-09-22T14:47:00.000-06:00

Pregnant and Still Thin

This is disturbing. I'm not saying that women should totally pig out and put on hundreds of pounds in pregnancy, that too is sick. But, people, when you are pregnant...that's when it stops being about you. For pretty much the rest of your life (if not at least the next 18 years). Guess what? Partytime is over. You are now in charge of growing/birthing/taking care of another human being until they are able to fully care for themselves.

It is not meant to be an accessory (oh you know my loathe of the accessory child mommies), it's a lifestyle change.

At this point, I've actually lost weight. I'm neither thrilled nor upset...this is fairly typical for a nauseated first trimester. But, I fully expect to gain the weight necessary to be nutritionally repsonsible for the pod.

Don't pregnant women have enough to worry about besides remaining rail thin and fashionable? (Dont' most women that live in the real world?)

On a totally unrelated note, puking this morning (after brushing my teeth, oh the horror of the toothbrush), I had a moment of terror...what if I'm never to brush my teeth again without gagging?

It's Official....

2004-09-21T14:10:00.000-06:00

I'm officially sick of feeling sick. I'm also tired of feeling tired.

You know, I still haven't actually puked. I just feel like I might at any moment.

Yesterday I sneezed, and for a terrifying moment, I thought that would trigger puking. But I managed to stave it off.

I would just go ahead and puke and get it over with if I thought it would help, but I don't think it actually does.

You know, I kind of think I'm going through this for a reason. No. No. NO. I don't believe I'm paying a penance for a past mistake. It's just that it isn't your normal nausea. Nope. It's this weird generic unwell stomach feeling. I really can't tell if I'm going to vomit, am hungry, am gassy, just tired, or just want attention. It makes me want to cry, for no good reason...or perhaps for a very good reason. Who knows.

I guess that's how most babies feel in their first months. I'll try to remember this in the throes of hours of crying jags. The pod's. Not mine (hopefully).

PS. I don't mean that I hope the baby cries for hours. I just mean that if there is any long period of crying, it isn't me doing it. Though, I can't guarantee anything.

Weekend of the Nap

2004-09-19T13:17:00.000-06:00

I'm not usually one to nap. Even if I'm tired or overspent. As tempting as naps are, they generally leave me feeling worse instead of refreshed and replenished.

Not this weekend! No!

I have been a napping fool. I'm talking coma-esque naps. And, I wake up feeling rested and ready to go again. Not only that, napping is in no way interfering with my falling asleep at night.

I knew that you are meant to feel tired in the first trimester, but honestly, I haven't felt more tired than anytime else. Sure, I sometimes feel a little frayed around the edges, or worn out...but no more so than any other time in my normal life. But, this weekend, the minute I put my head down...."for just a second" and it's been lights out.

Oh the joy of a good nap!

The Greatness that is using pregnancy as an excuse...

2004-09-17T12:32:00.000-06:00

It has been two good days on the nausea front...enough to remind me it's still there...but not enough to make me feel as miserable as those first few days.

Today for lunch, I was actually starving. Hungry for the first time in weeks...so I did it right. I went to the new Culver's that's opened here in the whitelands and went to town. It helped that the owner/manager was super nice and accommodating and brought me free food (fried cheese curds!). It also helped that I've been craving a pineapple/icecream/frosty goodness combo for day...and today of all days their custard flavor of the day was......PINEAPPLE CRISP. I ate and ate and ate, and couldn't stop. I had to make myself stop. I'm so full now I can hardly move. But! No nausea! And, I'm blaming the voracious appetite on pregnancy. Because I can! So I will! So there!

Oh, if I could only lay down and take a several hour nap this could possible go down in history as the best friday EVER (even better than those really great friday's in college when the party started sometime around noon (right after I woke up and realized I'd missed my friday morning class.)

And you know what? D has decreed tonight as "steak and cake" night at the house. Oh! Joy of joy. I may never eat again, but just for today? Glorious!

It's nearly lunchtime! And I haven't retched once today!

2004-09-16T09:07:00.000-06:00

(If you don't count the traditional retching that now accompanies any encounters with the toothbrush, but that's just a given.)

Ok, so, here's what seems to be working:
1. Berocca (it'll give you back your b b bounce!) before bed. (Note to self, beg mother-in-law to send more berocca.)
2. Toast and water with lime first thing in the morning.
3. Water with lemon or lime in cube, with strategically timed pretzels every 20 or so minutes (two is all it takes!)

We can all hope that this continues to keep the nausea at bay.

Flipper! Flipper

2004-09-16T08:41:00.000-06:00

You can call the pod "flipper" this week. It's little limb buds are working hard to start moving and turning into feets and hands. It's also starting to move already! Can you imagine? Next week? Ears!

Go Alien Flipper Go!

Why can't it be this easy in the US?

2004-09-14T13:04:00.000-06:00

Citizenship > By Descent > UNDER 25

Seriously, you can not imagine what a pain it has been every time we've had to deal with US Immigration with regards to residency issues etc. I mean, at least when we were back in Perth, we had pretty decent (ie. almost immediate access) to the consulate, but since we've been here our experience with the US Immigration department is that it is in shambles. D's greencard took forever to arrive (even though he arrived in the US preapproved etc.) and then when if finally arrived it had incorrect information. Which has yet to be resolved by the US Dept. of Immigration. (It is impossible to get a phone into the LA department and they ignore faxes.)

So, imagine my delight at being reminded at how easy it has always been to deal with the DIMIA. I remember even as far back as obtaining my first student visa to Australia, it was an easy and straightforward process...not to mention quick and relatively pain-free. Securing my permanent visa in Australi was equally as easy, as was securing my renewals (walk into the dept., fill in application, pay fee, and the visa is issued right there and then to you and applied to your passport.)

It looks like registering the pod for his/her Australian citizenship should be a breeze. Thank goodness, I'd been dreading even considering it.

What's good for the dogs, is good for me.

2004-09-14T08:48:00.000-06:00

I'll be mixing up a bottle of this especially for me today.

Now that the nausea has hit, it has hit with a cruel vengeance.

So far, cinnamon toast, oranges, and ting ting jahe ginger candy is saving my life.

I plan on trying out our nausea solution for doggies on myself today. With a stomach as dodgy as mine, what have I got to lose (but my breakfast...again...)

And then,

2004-09-13T07:52:00.000-06:00

I spent most of the rest of the weekend actively hating him. Just because. Actually, most of sunday I hated everything in general.

I feel nauseated and I'm drooling. Brushing my teeth has become a task I dread, what with the gagging and the drooling. It's undignified.

At the dog park last night I thought I was going to hurl, and was already anxious about how I would manage hurling and then fending off all the dogs that would be interested in taking care of that little indelicacy...causing me to vomit even more....

In an absolute fit of pique I decided I'd just go ahead an announce the impending pod to everyone in the family. I'm great at keeping other people's secrets...not just my own.

Sometimes, it just needs to be said...

2004-09-11T08:25:00.000-06:00

I love my husband. I do.

Somedays I think he's a complete jerko that doesn't understand me, and never did.

Somedays he makes me insane with his compulsive fixation on details (details shmetails!)

Somedays I am certain he's never loved me, nor cared for me...not one iota.

But then, I get a good night's sleep, and he talks to me in that calm and rational way in the face of my sporadic hysteria, and I remember that I love him.

I love him because he sometimes knows what I want or need even better than I know myself, or am willing to admit even to myself.

I love him because he remains (generally) unpreturbed in the face of my hysterias.

I love him because when he does something, he does it properly (which irritates the daylights out of me in light of my annoyance with considering details.)

And, I love him because he's always thought of us (the two of us and our pets, and now the baby) as a family, and he always considers any major decisions in that context. Getting used to having a "family" that actually cares about the good of the family (and not the satisfaction of individual idiosyncracies) remains a challenge to me. But, in my less nutty moments, I realize this is exactly what my psyche has needed all my life. His steadfastness heals a broken part of me.